I have recently found a diary of mine from 2013. I was 15. This is a page from it:
love me so much
that I could compare your love to the immensity of pi.
do not be as heartless as a stone:
spell my name on a sleepy tone,
as if there no end had to be.
There were also some quotes from the songs that I used to listen back then and I guess I just tried to make a connection between them:
and If you love me, I’ll make you a star in my universe and you’ll spend everyday shining your light my way;
and if the world was on fire, no one could save me but you.
and then it would only be you who I would like to run with, to laugh with, to be silent with, to cry with,
it would only be you who I would like to hope with, it would only be you who I would like to forgive with.
I was really trying to rememeber whom I loved so much and who could awake such strong feelings in my heart. But now I understand that this does not matter at all if that person is not in my life now. Do you know what matters? The way he made me feel. The things that I learnt from the experience. The drama. The happiness. Everything.
Teenagers. Teenage love. Is it really so different from the so-called „adult love”? Aren’t adults behaving like children or teenagers when they fall in love? Have you ever seen a man being nervous at the first date? Or a woman? I have surely seen. Love does not have an age. You do love at 3, you do love at 15, you do love at 35 and you do love at 80. The only difference is the approach of it.
I believe this is the only feeling that we are born with. You love your parents even before you are born. Then, you see the light of this big and cruel world but, firstly, you see your their faces. You realize they are the most beautiful and unique, and they have the most profound eyes and the most sweet and peaceful voices. Your mother’s hands are the softest in the whole world. And your father’s smile is the most wonderful. You could stare at them for years. And you love them. It is the purest love in the whole world.
Then, you grow up. You understand that there are others besides you mother and father. You start to notice children of the opposite sex. You feel those butterflies in you stomach and you do not understand what it is. But you can live with it. It is not the most important thing in your life. You love your mummy and your daddy. You do not need anyone else.
Then, you become a teenager. You think that the world gravitates around love (mostly). Life is full of joy when you are with the person you love. It feels like the sun shines even on a rainy day. It feels like you do not need anything else. You eat ice-cream, you play games, you do the homework together, you travel, you read, you make photos, you take care of each other, you give and recieve gifts. You know every single thing about each other, because it is such a discovery for you. You start to find out what it means to live with someone else, to share your ways of seeing this world. You learn to listen to the other, you discover what he or she loves. You see how it is to live not just for yourself. And it is good. Feel it. Experience it. Profit. Because it is unique.
Unfortunately, there is also another scenario. You are depressed if the other does not love you back. And it really feels like your whole world crushes down. You’re lonely. You do not want to talk to anybody. You ignore your parents and their help. You feel like you will not be able to love someone else. You miss your beloved one. You learn what it means to be rejected. I know, it is horrible. And it is not just about the age. You will suffer the same at 25, the only difference is that when you are 25 you have so many things to worry about that you just forget to feel the pain of the unrequited love.
I will tell you what to do in this case. Teach yourself how to find the beauty. You are such a special person if you know how to love at such an early age. Feel lucky to experience such a profound love. Feel blessed that you are not a machine, a stone. Feel fortunate that you are able to feel it and be sure that there is someone longing for your affection, care and fondness.
Because this is the only feeling that keeps us alive. This is the only feeling that makes a difference.